Jack | 11 Months

Somebody grab me a tissue! 

My baby is 11 months old and I simply can't take it.

Where has the time gone???

 11 month old Jack loves...

his dino paci

Huckleberry and Herschel

being outside

walking everywhere!

his cars/trucks

experimenting (throwing) food

rough housing with daddy

Me! 

(I'm still his favorite person and am soaking up every minute of it)

 11 month old Jack hates...

diaper / outfit changes

long(ish) car rides

anything taken away from him

napping

Health: The past 2 weeks have been rough for all three of us! We decided to pass around the cold and we all experienced the whole fever, sore throat, congestion thing. Jack was such a trooper though. He never lets feeling poorly slow him down. I just wanted him to stop and snuggle with me but he simply charges ahead like nothing is wrong even when he has a temperature! He's a busy, busy boy! Other than that he's had a great month and really just enjoyed walking all around the house. Still in a size 3 diaper and wears mostly 12 month (some 18 month) clothes.

Food (Nursing): Jack's nursing habits haven't changes any this month. Still nursing about 6 times in a 24 hour period with 1 or 2 of those feedings being at night.

Food (Solids): Jack has really made it known this month what he likes and what he doesn't in the food category. Namely by throwing his food on the floor and laughing with delight as he watches Huck eat it. He is still a huge fan of blueberries, strawberries, avocado, mac & cheese, and (his new favorite) whole wheat toast with cream cheese.

Sleep: Jack is still napping twice a day. Usually 1 - 1 1/2 hours each. He's been going down around 7 and waking at 6:30-7ish. He actually has been sleeping a lot better this month. He starts out in his crib but comes into bed with me around 11 most nights. I know I'm crazy, but I have no plans of sleep training him to get him to sleep in his crib all night. I'm actually really happy with the progress we've made, but I find myself staring at the baby monitor each night willing him to wake up so I can bring him in bed with me. Deranged mother, party of one!

New this Month: So much! Paragraph form no longer suffices...
+ Walking everywhere! He took his first independent steps the day he turned 10 months, and 2 weeks later he was booking it on those chubby little legs! I love to watch him toddle around.

+ Lots of pointing. He's been pointing for a while now, but now he actually points while trying to communicate. For example, I can say "where is Huckleberry?" and Jack turns towards him and points.

+ Speaking of Huck --Jack has been terrorizing him a bit more than usual lately. Little man is a rough houser and is always jumping on Huck, pulling on him, and patting him not-so-gently. Huck is such a good boy though and never gives me cause for concern around him. Lately, Jack has loved climbing onto Huckleberry's bed and snuggling with him.. for about .02 seconds and then proceeds to push Huck off...

+ Exploring outside. On the few nice days we've had this month, Jack Jack has really enjoyed walking around outside and exploring! Picking up leaves, touching the moss, feeling the stones in the driveway. It's so fun to watch his wonder and amazement at these seemingly ordinary things.

+ Stacking rings. Jack is all about those colorful stacking ring toys. He has completely mastered it this month. He sits down and stacks each ring one by one and waits excitedly for praise between each victory. It is simply the cutest!

+ He seems to take after his mommy in the OCD clean-freak department. Jack is always picking up his toys and putting them away. He enjoys putting everything back in their proper cubby and then taking them out so he can do it all over again.

+ He also enjoys helping his mommy with laundry! He loves to move the clothes from the washer into the drying and then shut the machine doors. He's a pretty amazing helper if I do say so myself ;)

+ Throwing temper tantrums. Now when you take something away from Jack distraction no longer works! Those days passed far too quickly... He definitely is throwing tantrums, like all out on the ground kicking and crying tantrums. If you take anything away from him he falls onto his belly and puts his face in his arms and cries. Luckily they are short lived!

+ Gives kisses. He has kinda, sorta been doing this for a while, but this month he definitely perfected giving the best open mouthed kisses!

Whew! There have been so many new things this month that I fear I didn't remember it all! Jack Jack is just growing up way too quickly. I feel like he changes everyday and is looking more and more like a toddler rather than a baby. I can definitely say though that this past month with him toddling around has probably been my favorite. I love every stage he's been in, but right now he is just so much fun! I am enjoying how he interacts with me and others and just watching his eyes light up when he makes connections and learns something new. Being a momma to this little boy truly is a fascinating thing!

^^tantrum in the making^^

Hey Baby Bear,

I really do wish I could bottle you up and make you stop growing.

It brings tears to my eyes knowing in less than a month you'll be 1!

You are so precious to me. You are my joy.

I couldn't image this world without you.

Mommy and Daddy love you so, so much!

Happy 11 months, Jack Jack!

Jack | 10 Months

Jack | 9 Months
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Jack | 7 Months

Jack | 6 Months

Jack | 5 Months

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Jack | 10 Months

Sorry for the grainy photos. I'm having camera issues.. I swear one day I'll read that darn users manual...

But, in other news, Jack is 10 months old! 10 months, guys. 

Seriously, this growing business just needs to slooooooow dowwwwwwwn.

 10 month old Jack loves...

his mommy

his dino paci

Huckleberry and Herschel

his push walker toy

being chased

being held

pulling the ornaments off the Christmas tree

 10 month old Jack hates...

diaper changes

his carseat 

naps

Health: Jack is a healthy boy and growing like a weed! He is now in all size 12 month clothes and almost ready to move to 18 months in onsies. He is still in size 3 diapers during the day, but size 4 overnight diapers at night.

Food (Nursing): Jack has actually dropped a couple feedings this month. Usually only nurses 3 times during the day and 2-3 times at night. (Which I know is still pretty terrible and unnecessary for nighttime, but, hey, I'm a pushover.)

Food (Solids): Jack still loves to eat solids. His favorites right now seem to be berries (especially blueberries), cheese, and butternut squash. He usually isn't a picky eater, but he did recently turn his nose up to oatmeal. I don't think it's the oatmeal that he had a problem with as much as he just didn't want to be feed with a spoon ;) He pretty much only wants food he can feed himself. A new food this month was eggs... jury is still out on whether he was a fan of it or not.

Sleep: If sleep is a measure of success as a mother, I am a failure for sure. He isn't waking as many times as he has been in previous months, but he's still waking 3 times or more at night. Jack was such a great night time sleeper until he hit 6 months. I don't know what happened to set him back then (teething, 6 month sleep regression, etc...), but ever since we just haven't been able to get it together in the night time sleep department. Naps are usually good. He is on a 2 nap schedule still, lasting anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half each.

New this Month: Jack still loves chasing Huckleberry with his walker toy (like in the video I posted last month), but his dexterity with that thing has now really improved! He can pretty much maneuver his way into even the toughest nooks and crannies around the house to terrorize Huckleberry with that thing. I can also now really see his critical thinking skills at work while he playing. Loves cause and effect games and those toy shape sorter games a lot. Most exciting of all this month though is that on December 12th Jack took his first steps! He isn't full out walking yet, but he does let go and take 3-4 steps here and there. He actually had a pretty long walk the other day (7 steps to be exact) and took a pretty hard tumble. But this little man is all boy and it didn't even phase him! (SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH!) Also, Jack has become increasingly interested in what's going on in the kitchen. He's always pulling on my legs begging to be picked up if I'm chopping vegetables, scrambling eggs, pouring myself a glass of water...you name it! He just wants to be lifted up so he can witness all the excitement. Who knew I lived such an exciting life?? Oh the things babies can teach you ;)

Looking forward to: Babies first Christmas and a visit from Grandma and Grandpa Carroll right after the holidays!

Jack Jack! Your daddy and I love you so much.

Thank you for being such a joy to us and making us smile each and everyday.

Happy 10 months, little man.

Jack | 9 Months
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Jack | 7 Months

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Jack | 0 Months

Jack | 9 Months

**I've decided it is Jack's mission to successfully plummet off of his chair during one of our monthly photo shoots. 

I apologize for blurry, out of focus photos.. I have a feeling they will simply get worse from here on out.**

Someone pinch me because my baby is 9 months old! He is such a fun, giggly little man! 

 9 month old Jack loves...

his dino paci

being outside

Huckleberry

chasing after balls

exploring in the kitchen cabinets

his walker toy

 9 month old Jack hates...

sitting still 

diaper changes

getting dressed

long car rides

 ^^dem thighs^^

Health: Happy to report Jack has been healthy as a horse since last month. Thank God! Sick babies can break a momma's heart! He even is getting a bit of a break from teething. Still rocking 6 teeth. 4 on top and 2 on bottom. At his 9 month checkup Jack weighed 20lbs 6oz and was 29 in tall. He is in mostly 12 month clothing, although the pants are usually a bit too long. Little man has some short, chubby legs! ;)

Food (Nursing): Nothing new from last month! Still nursing about every 3 hours during the day and still waking to nurse at night. (More often than I'd like... this too shall pass, right?)

Food (Solids): Oh man, does this guy love to eat! Some favorites this month are berries (especially blueberries), oatmeal, cheese, yogurt, bananas, and mac & cheese.

Sleep: Last month I mentioned that Jack has a super early bedtime (6pm) and when we tried to get him to stay up later he just. could. not. make. it. Poor buddy was exhausted and miserable. This month though he pushed back his bedtime on his own. He's still waking between 6-7, but is now able to stay up an hour longer before needing to go down for his first nap. This pushes our schedule back an hour, putting bedtime right around 7pm. It's so nice to be able to have Jack and Steven play when he gets home from work instead of just jumping right into the bedtime routine! Makes our evenings much more enjoyable.

Jack still take 2 naps a day. They usually last anywhere from 1 - 1.5 hours. He is getting so much better at going down in his crib for a nap, too! Very rarely do I find myself holding him his entire nap these days (while trying to type and work with the other hand, haha!).

His nighttime sleep is still a struggle. I get a lot of advice and I swear I've read pretty much every baby book out there (actually, this article sums up how I feel pretty accurately when it comes to baby sleep!), but honestly, I'm just doing the best I can. He sleeps a few hours in his crib each night but when he wakes up he's back in bed with me and will wake an additional 3 to 5 times most nights (it use to be a lot worse than this, so we are making progress!). It's rough, but I honestly just don't believe sleep training is best for Jack or myself. Not because I'm a martyr, as one young mom so graciously pointed out to me, but because I know it will stress me out to no end and I simply don't have the personality for it. When Jack wants cuddles and the boob at night.. he gets cuddles and the boob. And, if I'm being really honest, I love having him in bed with me. I'd just be okay with nixing the nursing habit. ;)

New this Month: Jack absolutely loves to get into anything and everything, but especially the kitchen cabinets! He now has his own little cabinet that he enjoys taking out all the pots, pans, spatulas, and other fun things and banging them together --squealing with delight the whole time! It's simply the cutest. He has also hit some big developments in the language department. He's been babbling like crazy and can even say MAMA and DADA! (I should probably note that he did say mama first) ;) It's the best! I love when he gets jabbering and throws up his hands in excitement. He's went from cruising along the furniture this past month to using one of those walker toys like a pro! He absolutely loves it! He can steer it all the way around the kitchen island and even navigate through the destruction of toys he leaves around the house. He thinks it's hysterical to chase Huckleberry with it. It has been so much fun to watch!

I thank God for my good natured pup everyday! 

Hey, my silly little man! 

I can't believe you are already 9 months old!

I love watching you play and learn. 

You make each new day so much fun.

You are such a joy to your daddy and me!

We love you!

Jack | 8 Months

Jack | 7 Months

Jack | 6 Months

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Jack | 0 Months

Jack | 8 Months

And just like that my little man is 8 months old! *tear*

(Okay, 8 1/2 months. I'm late, but you've come to expect that, right?) 

 8 month old Jack loves...

his dino paci

eating

being outside

rocking

playing w/ balls

all dogs and cats

his mommy!

 8 month old Jack dislikes...

getting his diaper changed

bedtime and naps

going on car rides

Health: Jack got sick for the first time this month and it was pretty much the saddest thing ever :(

Poor buddy had a sky high fever and woke with a runny nose and small cough. It nearly broke my heart. Turns out he had an ear infection. Our naturopath gave us a homeopathic and in less than 24 hours he was back to playing and laughing like his normal self. I'm pretty sure the whole episode was harder on me and Stevan than Jack, and I'm super grateful that my naturopath is also a pediatrician. It makes me so happy that my son's primary healthcare provider is likeminded when it comes to her approach to health and well being. I feel blessed to have met her.

Jack is just under 20 lbs. He stills wears size 3 diapers and is now in mostly 12 month clothes. 

Food (Nursing): Jack still nurses quite frequently for an 8 month old. Always short 5 minutes feeding, but still every 3 hours or so. (Which makes me feel pretty crazy knowing that every 3 hours is what is recommended for a newborn...)

Food (Solids): Jack Jack  LOVES to eat! This month we introduced dairy and even some meat! He has yet to turn up his nose at anything I've offered, but he definitely has his favorites, too. He loves all fruit, especially bananas and berries, cheese, sweet potatoes, and butternut squash best of all.

Sleep: Oh, brother. If you want to know how Jack + sleep are going just read all the information in every baby book and on every baby blog that says what not to do when it comes to baby's sleep. The good news is, Jack has dropped his third nap of the day and we've fallen into a really good 2 nap schedule. He wakes around 6am and is ready for his first nap around 8 and his second around 11:30 or 12 (depending on how that first nap went). Usually each nap is 1.5 hours long. The bad news is... Jack still naps almost exclusively in my arms and we still co-sleep at night. I'm not really sure why that is bad news other than according to every baby book and blog I mentioned above I'm doing everything wrong and am a mommy failure.

But seriously, there are definitely 2 negatives about my little man's sleeping habits. One is that he goes to bed so early. After his second nap he stays awake till bedtime, which is currently 6-6:30pm. I just feel like he doesn't get much time in the evenings with his daddy! When we try to keep him up later he stills wakes at 6am... but is a grump butt. So for now we are keeping the early bedtime. Secondly, Jack is a extreme comfort nurser. He wakes up multiple times at night to nurse (usually anywhere between 4-8 nightly feedings), meaning I am not getting the best quality sleep, turning me into the morning grump butt! ;) 

Honestly, we've run into a lot of other nighttime sleeping issues, but they usually are short in duration and are brought on by teething, a growth spurt, or  a crazy day that threw this little one's schedule for a loop. 

New this Month: After a good month or so of crawling, Jack now uses anything and everything to pull himself up and has even begun cruising along the furniture! I'm torn about having such a mobile babe these days... He can be quite the handful! He crawls faster than lightening! He is so easy to make laugh and I just love his giggle fits. He is ticklish on his sides, thighs and the bottom of those adorable little feet. Still rocking 6 teeth, although I'm convinced he's working on 2 more on top! Loves all kinds of push toys (which I hide every so often b/c he is wayyy too daring with those things) and loves to scoot on the floor on his knees pushing his toy bin (or diaper caddy!) in front of him. He's working on perfecting his pincher grasp and likes to practice on happy puffs. He's enjoyed lots of fall festivities this past months like the cider press and pumpkin patch!

Jack Jack, you make each day new and exciting!

Your daddy and I love watching you grow.

You are our greatest joy, little man.

We love you!

Jack | 7 Months

Jack | 6 Months

Jack | 5 Months

Jack | 4 Months

Jack | 3 Months

Jack | 2 Months

Jack | 1 Month

Jack | 0 Months

Jack | 7 Months

Okay. I really dropped the ball on this one. 

More than 2 weeks late on my little man's monthly update this time around! 

Life is busy, busy! And Jack definitely keeps my hands full.

(Not to mention it's getting near impossible to take these pictures. 

I'm pretty sure Jack's intention is to dive off of this chair and give his momma a heart attack.)

7 month old Jack loves...

his dino paci

being outside

Huckleberry

eating solids

rocking 

me

(I'm this little guy favorite person and loving every minute of it while I can.)

7 month old Jack hates...

getting his diaper changed

nap time

when you take anything out of his hands

Health: At Jack's last checkup he weighed 18lbs 12oz and was 27.5 in tall. He has consistently been in the 70th percentile or higher since birth. He has 2 new teeth! (Now 3 on top, 2 on bottom.) He is still in size 3 diapers and wears mostly 9 month size clothes. So, so thankful for my big, healthy boy!

Food (Nursing): My little man is a snacker, for sure! He still nurses about every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. But they are always quick, 4-5 minute feedings. If I try to go a little longer in between feedings he pretty much throws a fit... unless we're out and about. Who has time to eat when there are so many new, exiting things to look at!?!

Food (Solids): Last month Jack wasn't too sure how he felt about solids. He tolerated mealtime but definitely wasn't enthusiastic about it. Now I think he's genuinely enjoying his solids! Some of his favorites are applesauce and butternut squash. He really enjoys sweet combinations such as butternut squash mixed with banana and a hint of cinnamon. He tolerates his greens if they are hidden in sweeter vegetables like carrots. He usually eats 2+ ounces a feeding 2x a day. 

Speaking of solids... so far I've made all his baby food and I hope to keep going to ensure he's eating healthy, all natural foods, but what pre-made baby food and snack brands out there do you guys like and trust? Once he starts snacking more I'm assuming I'll want some pre-made go-to's on hand for when we're out and about. (?Or no? Do people make that sort of thing, too? Not sure I'm that domestic.)  ;)

Sleep: I'm happy to report Jack is not fighting naps or bedtime as much as he was last month. Last month I seriously thought I was at my wits end. Sleep seemed to be an endless battle and we both were feeling more than a little deprived. He takes 3 naps a day and is usually down for the night between 6:30 or 7 (depending on how his naps went and if he decided to skip the 3rd one or not). He wakes up by 6-6:30 every morning. Jack still takes most of his naps in my arms like he's a newborn. Why? Because if I put him in his crib he wakes up in 30 minutes and won't. go. back. to. bed.  ...giving me a crabby baby who wants to nap 45 minutes later and a to-do list for work a mile long. This month is busy season at work, so to get stuff done I simply hold him and type with the other hand. I'm a crazy person. I know. But it gives me a solid 1 - 1.5 hours at least twice a day to work with no distraction. (Plus, I kinda just love holding him. THERE! I admitted it. I feel better.) For nighttime sleep, he goes down in his crib but wakes up repeatedly. Usually after 2 hours or so I give up and put him in bed with us where he drifts off to sleep holding my hand.. I just love him. 

New this Month: Jack is crawling! Jack started crawling on August 29th :). The first few days he would simply take 2 or 3 steps in one direction, sit, pivot, and take 2 or 3 steps in another direction. It was so cute... he wasn't sure what to do (or where to go) with his newfound independence, I suppose! About a week later he was crawling all over the place as fast as can be and getting into everything. EVERYTHING. Especially wires. And shoes. And Huckleberry's food bowl. And toiler plungers. Needless to say, we baby-proofed the house after that. He is now eating more of a variety of solids and loving it! Enjoys taking things out of any sort of storage bin -- pulls toys out of their bins, diapers out of the diaper caddy, tupperware out of cabinets, etc. pulling himself up using the couch or people's legs. Two new teeth this month -- 5 total! And I'm pretty sure he's working on that sixth as I type and he chews on my slipper...

Jack Jack, you fill my heart with so much joy.

Your smile is simply contagious.

Your daddy and I can't image this life without you.

Love you so so so much, little man!

Jack | 6 Months

Jack | 5 Months

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Jack | 1 Month

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Jack | 6 Months

I cannot believe my baby turned 6 months old last week. SIX MONTHS. How is that even possible.. 

Little Jack has experienced a lot of new things this month and has grown so much! 

He's such a fun little boy to hang out with.

6 month old Jack loves...

his dino paci

Huckleberry and Herschel

being outside

playing with his toys

rocking
music

reading books

6 month old Jack dislikes...

nap time

when his momma leaves the room

Health: No wellness checkup until next Thursday, but I'm so thankful to say Jack Jack is one healthy boy! He even survived two cross-country flights without getting sick. I pray every day for God to provide a hedge of protection around this little one and am so grateful for his good health. I'll update with his height and weight after his next checkup.

Food (Nursing): Jack is still nursing every 2 1/2 to 3 hours during the day, translating to about 6 times a day. He has been pretty consistent with that for the last few months. He has been waking up more at night to nurse but I know it's due to him teething (he just cut his third tooth and is cutting three more! Poor buddy!), and I usually comfort nurse him until he drifts off to sleep. I don't mind. I genuinely enjoy our nursing relationship and know I'll miss it when he weans himself.

Food (Solids): Jack got his first tastes of solids on Sunday Aug. 10th! You could definitely tell that the new texture was a little strange for him, but we gave him carrots and I think he really liked them after a few bites! Since then he's tried bananas, sweet potatoes, and avocado. After that first week of solids though he has been very uninterested in anything but nursing. I'm not sure if he isn't a fan of the new food or if his disinterest has to due with his teething since I know that often plays a role in a little one's appetite. Either way, I offer him solids at least 2 times a day even though he really isn't thrilled with it.

Sleep: When Jack came to NY with me for two weeks his schedule (and sleeping habits) got a little wacky. Since getting back, I've been working really hard at trying to be consistent with a sleeping schedule for him. He goes to bed for the night at 7-7:30 and usually wakes at 6-6:30. Two nights ago was the first night I put him in his crib to sleep rather than in bed with me. My heart broke a little bit, but it didn't last long because after an hour he awoke very upset and I gladly put him in my bed and snuggled him all night. ;) I know!!! I am a terrible human being with no backbone. For naps, he pretty consistently takes 3 naps a day.

Doesn't that sound lovely? Well, it's not. Jack fights me tooth and nail for naps and bedtime. He does not want to go down (especially in his crib!). It's hard, and many days we both end up with tears of frustration. I give in and allow him to nod off in my arms where I'll continue to hold him for as long as he'll nap (usually an hour to an hour and a half) or put him in my bed if it's nighttime.  But I really don't think it's his crib that's the problem.. I think it's just sleep in general. While in NY, Jack slept in a different bed from night to night, but he never slept in my arms for naps. But as soon as he gave me those sleepy cues and I would try to put him down the tantrums would begin. He is a happy, alert, and curious baby most of the time and my gut is telling me he's just fighting sleep because he doesn't want to miss anything. When he does finally go down he is SOOO exhausted. He simply just cannot fight it anymore. I feel like he's going to be one of those kids that goes, goes, goes until he passes out on the floor surrounded by all his toys.

It's not ideal, but this too shall pass ;)

New this Month: So much! Jack has really discovered his voice and gives many squeals (or screams) of delight. He laughs, a lot! Huckleberry's panting always seems to bring a giggle fit out of him. He's ticklish on his sides and inner thighs. He loves playing with his toys (or anything really. toy or not). He likes music and especially when people sing to him. He is trying so, so hard to crawl and can get up on all fours and then rock back and forth. I think it will just be a few more weeks until he figures it out. He holds up his arms towards you when he wants to go to you or for you to pick him up. He has learned that when he hears the jiggle of Huck's collar that Huck is walking his way and looks for him in anticipation. It's so stinkin' cute! Started solids (carrots, bananas, sweet potatoes, and avocado). 1 new tooth (top, right lateral incisor), that makes 3 total! Flew all the way to NY and back and was a CHAMP on both flights. Such a good little traveling companion. :)

Happy 6 months, little man!

You are growing and learning so quickly!

You make each new day exciting and fresh. 

I feel so blessed to be your momma!

Love you, Jack Jack!

When Maternity Leaves Ends

**I have attempted to write this post numerous times yet it never comes out as I intend for it to. I decided to go ahead and hit the publish key anyways in hopes that my transparency is beneficial to someone else out there who may have experienced something similar. But be warned, this is practically a novel. You probably shouldn't read it. I included pictures in hopes that you'd hate me less for writing such a long post**

If you remember this post, you'll recall that I was pretty heartbroken about my maternity leave ending. Heartbroken doesn't really do justice to describe how I was feeling, though.  Devastation, severe panic, even depression probably sum it up more accurately...

I viewed the end of my maternity leave as dooms day. And I cried. A lot.

I expected many things from motherhood and felt (foolishly) prepared for them. I expected the sleepless nights, a spit up ridden wardrobe, going many hours without eating, and even many days without a shower. I expected changing endless diapers, reading the same books and singing the same songs again and again. I even expected possible struggles with breastfeeding. What I didn't expect, and what no baby book or blog post could have ever prepared me for, was the intense emotion I would feel. Motherhood is emotional and I was in no way prepared for it. 

I dreaded my return to work so much that it became an obsession. I spent countless hours crying while rocking my baby boy; pinning over the milestones I would miss, sobbing into his blonde hair wondering if he'd miss me, if he'd need me, if he'd know I loved him and that he was safe and well taken care of while I was away.. Maybe all women who have to return to work have these thoughts? I don't know. But I do know that the intensity of my emotions frightened me. It also embarrassed me and became something I was ashamed of. Something that I didn't want to talk about to anyone --even my husband until I would simply explode with grief and sob helpless, chest heaving, hard to breathe sobs into his arms, "I can't leave my baby... I can't leave my baby..." over and over and over again.

I didn't feel like I could survive the separation, and that's when I realized something was wrong. I was so heavy with grief that I no longer recognized myself. I couldn't get through a sentence without exploding into sobs. I felt dark, bleak, and hopeless. I felt like a failure -- as an employee, as a wife, as a mother, as a women.

People kept telling me, "Oh, it's just hormones!," and I desperately wanted to believe it. But these were more than just mood swings brought on by sleepless nights and leaky boobs, these were dark moments that left me feeling frightened and alone. Something was off with me. Emotionally, things just weren't right. And instead of the passing of time making me feel better, I simply got worse --more anxious, more confused, more sad.

What I thought at the time was just a bad case of separation anxiety over leaving Jack I now realize was a postpartum struggle.

I remember standing in my kitchen telling my friend Kristen that Steven and I thought that maybe I should talk to someone... maybe what I was experiencing wasn't normal... maybe I needed help. I tried so hard to not let the tears that were pooling in my eyes spill over. I wanted so badly to be strong and not sound like I was losing my mind. But the truth is, I was! And as soon as she left I lost it. I. Lost. It.

That's when I knew I wouldn't be going back into the office.

Writer David Sedaris has this theory that your life is like a stove top with 4 burners. One burner represents your family, one your friends, another your health, and the last one is your work. In order to be successful you have to turn off one of your burners. In order to be really successful you have to turn off two.. For me, emotionally, I had too many burners on. I chose to cut one of them off.

I quit my job that following Monday. I simply called my boss and said I couldn't leave my baby. I love my job. Heck, I even love my boss and the other guy I work with, but I felt then (and I still struggle with it now) that I was emotionally incapable of leaving my son. I know I wasn't able to be mentally present at my job in the emotional state I was in. I knew I would be a better mother, wife, and friend if I let my work go.

Within a few short days I felt a huge weight gradually be lifted from my shoulders. My head felt clearer and my heart felt lighter. I knew I had made the best decision for my family. The fog I had spent the last 3-4 months in was beginning to clear.

It all sounds so simple when I write it down, but it wasn't. Career wise... I enjoy my work and know I'll have a hard time finding anything like it in the future. Financially... Steven and I are taking a huge lifestyle cut and may even have to consider getting rid of our home down the road. Socially... I feel like I failed. I feel as though I let down my co-workers who thought I was going back to the office. I feel like I let down other women who do work outside the home and do so successfully. Honestly, a part of me envies those women. And, to be totally transparent, I let down myself in a lot of ways by just not having it all together. I wanted to be able to throw on my skinny jeans, step back into my high heels and march into the office. Superwoman, right? But I just wan't ready.

Turns out, I am still working (but from home) until they find a replacement for me. The last thing I wanted to do was leave my job on bad terms, so I agreed to stay on so that there is a smooth transition from me to the new technical writer. Working from home and taking care of my little man these last 3 months has proven to be the most difficult thing I've ever done, but I feel very fortunate to be able to do it and much, much happier.

I am so thankful for my amazing and supportive husband, family, friends (and even my employer!) who have all played a significant part in where I am today and how much better I feel! And I am beyond excited for this new season in my life!

If you made it to the end on this Monday morning.. Bravo!

Jack | 5 Months

Jack turned 5 months old!... almost 2 weeks ago...

Hey, if there comes a time when I actually post this kids monthly updates within a day or two of him actually turning said number of months old, you should probably check on me because I'm being way too productive and am most likly on an acid trip.

but I digress...

Jack! Jack Jack! Baby Bear! My little man is already 5 months old!

And goodness, what a huge month developmentally for this guy!

5 month old Jack loves...

his dino paci

getting his diaper changed

Huckleberry & Herschel

being outside

bath time

tummy time

holding hands 

(he's such a romantic)

funny noises and faces

chomping on everything

5 month old Jack dislikes....

nap time

being put down

Health: I am happy to report that we've made it 5 months with not so much as a sniffle from Jack! I thank God every day for his good health. No wellness checkup this month, but I think Jack has gotten taller! He is now completely in 9 month size clothes and size 3 diapers. He cut his second tooth this month also, so he now has both his bottom teeth.

Food: We are still going strong with breastfeeding. Jack eats usually 6 or 7 times a day and once at night. But ever since cutting his second tooth, he's started waking up a second time around 2:30-3:00 to nurse. I read a lot of stuff about women being concerned their little ones aren't sleeping through the night, but, I got to admit, I really don't mind our nighttime nursing sessions and I still think he's thriving. So I'm really not concerned. If anything it just gives me a reason to snuggle up close to him. 

Sleep: Jack has gradually pushed his bedtime back an hour (yay!), so we now start his bedtime routine around 6:30 and he's asleep by 7. There have been a few nights recently where he's gotten overtired and had trouble going to sleep, but once he's out he'll sleep until 6:30 or 7 (minus his brief waking to nurse). I have no complaints about his nighttime sleep, it's those naps that are killing me. Killing me, I tell ya! Jack's a big fan of 25-40 minute power naps, 4 times a day. I, on the other hand, am not. Not only does he love his power naps, but he still wants to be held the entire time, making it nearly impossible to do anything....like, I dunno, WORK! 

Yes, I quit my job. But I'm still working. It's kind of like a messy breakup. I dumped them but they won't let me go. They still love me ;) And truth be told, I love them! Just not enough to leave Jack and go into the office.. Long story short, I'm still working full-time from home until they find a replacement. And it's really hard to work when Jack goes on a nap strike or simply wants to be held the entire nap. So, I'm kinda slowly dying over here... prayers would be great ;)

New this Month: Oh man, there is so much to put here I don't even know where to begin. Jack is rolling from tummy to back and back to tummy. He can completely push himself up on his arms and even get his knees under him like he's going to crawl, but hasn't taken that plunge yet. He can sit up all on his own (stop it, just stop it!), and is so super strong that he gave his momma a bloody nose (Oh, how I wish I were joking). Let's see, he loves to play with anything and everything.. a wooden block, a water bottle, Huckleberry's tail... it's all fair game. He also recently discovered that pulling hair is pretty hilarious, especially if it's wet. And farting noises? Prepare for belly busting giggles.

Things to Look Forward to: We got Jack's highchair and he's kind of a pro at sitting in that thing. I want to wait until the 6 month mark before starting solids, but I can tell that this kid is definitely ready to start eating soon. 

Also, Jack and I will be getting on a plane and heading to NY this Saturday to visit all my family for 2 weeks! He hasn't meet his uncles yet and I know my grandparents, aunts, and uncles will be thrilled to meet him as well! Unfortunately, Steven won't be able to make the trip with us so I'm traveling alone with my nose punching, nap refusing 5 month old. Please, any advice, well wishes, prayers, holy water, whatever, would be awesome! :)

I know, I know, you need one more picture for the road.

Happy 5 months, Jack Jack!

You bring your daddy and I so much joy!

Confessions

Just a little confess sesh to start out this Monday morning...

1| I have been so undisciplined when it comes to eating healthy. Even this beautiful weather isn't motivating me to eat right! I really want to get back to eating how I was before I found out I was pregnant and started throwing up for 24 weeks straight, but, man, I've been putting forth absolutely zero effort... 

2| We have been co-sleeping with Jack since day one and I absolutely love it. I never thought I'd be a parent who sleep shares, but then again one rarely knows what kind of parent they are likely to be before experiencing parenthood. (Needless to say, I've been surprising myself a lot lately with my choices.) But those late night cuddles with Jack and the security I feel with having him beside me makes my heart so full.

3| I'm a huge fan of the grocery home delivery services popping up all over the place. Steven and I recently got our groceries delivered from Safeway.com and it was awesome. The website made it super easy and you don't have to worry about impulse buying. Plus, I hate grocery shopping and this is just a huge time saver. I recently saw that Target will soon (if they haven't already) be implementing a similar system except instead of home delivery you shop online and then pick your things up later. Genius. (Or maybe I'm just super lazy...)  ;)

4| I quit my job.

5| Along those lines, when I first quit my job Steven and I were pretty sure we'd have to give up our home. Because of that I spent endless hours on sites like zillow and redfin looking at homes in our price range and I kinda got addicted. Even though we think we can stay in our current home for a while longer, I still can't stop looking online at houses. 

6| I've been having a hard time reading blogs lately, even my favorite bloggers, and writing blog posts lately. But that's more of a well known fact than a confession.

7| When my mom was visiting this past month we watched all 8 of the Harry Potter movies in one week... and it was awesome.

8| Speaking of watching mindless TV, this past week I watched all 8 episodes of the show Resurrection in just 3 days. I'm officially addicted.

9| I know it's kinda disgusting, but I just love this picture of Jack! Haha

10| Being a momma is pretty tough. But I'm loving every minute of it. Even the messy ones. 

Happy Monday!

Maybe I'll be awesome and blog more than once this week..

:)

Jack | 4 Months

Remember when I used to blog all the time? Yeah, me neither. But there have been some big changes going on around here and I've promised myself I'm going to get back to blogging.

But first and foremost, let's celebrate Jack! My little man turned 4 months old and oh.em.gee he is just the cutest! ;)

4 month old Jack loves...

his dino paci

raspberry kisses

bath time

being outside

Huckelberry

mirrors

funny faces

diaper changing time

 4 month old Jack dislikes...

napping!!

Jack also just noticed the sock monkey who photobombs his monthly photo shoots...

he wasn't very happy about it.

Health: Jack weighs 17lbs and is 26 1/2 inches! Can't believe how big he's getting! He is in size 6-9mo clothes and ready to move on to size 3 diapers soon. Jack cut his first tooth! A small, little thing on his bottom right side. So there has been a lot of droll and a few fussy evenings around here lately.

Breastfeeding: So, so glad I stuck with breastfeeding even though it was such a huge struggle in the beginning. I now really enjoy our nursing sessions and that bonding time we have together. Jack eats 6-8 times a day (around every 2 1/2 to 3 hours). That includes his one nightly feeding, which I'm pretty sure he doesn't really need but has pretty much conditioned himself to wake up for. I don't mind it though. Right now, I feel like we have a good thing going in the feeding department.

Sleeping: Jack's bedtime routine starts around 6-6:30 depending on his mood ;). He is usually asleep by 7 and wakes up around 6. He is an excellent night sleeper and such a happy boy in the morning after getting his 11 hours of sleep! Naps are still crazy and all over the place. He's one of those babies that fights sleep during the day. He wants to be held the entire nap and when you transfer him he wakes up within 10-15 minutes. It is rare to get him to nap longer than 30-45 minutes (even if you're holding him the entire time). We are still working on things though. I'm just trying to stay consistent and enjoy all the snuggles that practicing good nap habits get me. 

New this Month: Last month Jack's hands were a big hit, but this month it's toys and faces! He is getting really good at reaching for and holding toys. Everything and anything you put in front of him is interesting. He also loves to explore people's faces with his hands. Sometimes while nursing he'll just stop, reach up, and put his tiny little hand on my cheek (or sometimes in my mouth but the other example just sounded so much sweeter). He loves being outside in his baby bjorn and can't get enough of Huckleberry! 

This month has been really exciting and there have been a lot of firsts for Jack and my little family. Steven celebrated his first Father's Day and we also decided to dedicated Jack that Sunday. Jack met his Grandpa Carroll for the first time and is enjoying a whole month of Grandpa Carroll's hugs and kisses! We've went on lots of long walks and even a few hikes, and have just been enjoying life! It's been a really, really great month. 

Everyone says Jack doesn't look like my side of the family, but I'd beg to differ ;).

Jack man, you are simply the most precious little being in this world! I love watching you grow. 

Happy 4 months, baby bear!