Lazy Day

This past week has been rough. I had a midwife appointment where I discovered I'm GBS positive. No big deal really, just another thing to worry about during labor I suppose, and although I feel confident our little guy will be safe it's still a bummer. My body also decided this week to become consumed with stress and anxiety, leaving me one emotional wreck. I agonized over all the decisions I have to make for this little guy, being his voice for him. It's a lot of pressure! I also had to train my maternity leave fill in this week. She is super sweet, smart, and organized, which I know will make me phasing out and her phasing in a much more smooth transition, but it was hard to stay focused and train her while feeling so emotional all week. And then all those comments on yesterday's articles didn't really help to lighten my spirits.

Plus, I'm tired. Man, am I tired.

So today I'm staying home and working. I'll try to nap and snuggle my fluffy ones between emails and phone calls. I hope to drink lots of hot cocoa and enjoy the light dusting of snow we got last night and the beauty it created this morning. I'll take a long bath and maybe read a fiction book rather than a baby one...

It's going to be a lazy day and I'm going to enjoy it. The stress, the worry, the decision making --those things can always wait till tomorrow.

Hope you have an amazing, relaxing Friday, friends!

Being Real: My Hormonal, Pregnancy Stuggles

I've officially lost it. I realized last night that my pregnancy hormones have finally gotten the better of me when I found myself sitting on the floor in our baby boy's empty nursery crying inconsolably.

I'm not sure why I was crying. Maybe it was because while painting the nursery some of the paint sloppily ended up on the ceilings edges, or maybe it was because the holidays are approaching and I miss my family, or maybe it was because I know my very best friend in this world probably won't be able to meet my son until he's already a year old, but, more than likely, it was because I'm just tired, overwhelmed, anxious, and hormonal. Damn hormones.

This is definitely the hardest season of my life to date. I don't say that because things are going poorly. On the contrary, things are actually going really well. The baby and I are both healthy, my amazing family recently blessed us with a card shower to help me and Steven get the nursery underway --showering us with enough money to buy the crib, glider, and pack 'n play-- and I have an amazing husband by my side who has been so supportive and encouraging throughout my pregnancy. Yet things are also really, really tough for me right now...at least in my head and in my heart. That's where my struggle is. That's where my war is raging. 

I'm dealing with a lot of emotion, and until last night it had remained bottled up. I'm in a habit of doing that as I've explained to you once before. I thought it was something I was overcoming --laying the mask aside-- but obviously, it is still a struggle for me. 

I'm struggling with how quickly time is passing and how much is still left to be done, guilt that I have to return back to work after 12 weeks and jealousy towards those who get to stay home with their babies, and a surprisingly strong desire to protect my unborn child. A strong desire that I fear borders on selfishness. I've already decided that I want no one with me at the birthing center other than my husband. I don't even think I want anyone to visit me those first couple days at home... Is that normal? I don't want anyone to touch my baby, I don't want anyone to advise me on how to raise him unless I ask, and I don't want anyone to steal precious moments away from me those first 12 weeks of his life when he is able to have my undivided attention. I feel all this so strongly I find it frightening. Is this normal? Will these feelings change? Am I going to be one of those neurotic mothers everyone rolls their eyes at when her back is turned? 

I feel weighted down by these emotions.

But if I'm being transparent, I also know that there is hope. It's a heavy, hard time in my head and heart right now, but I know it's a short storm and I'll find myself on the other side in due time. But for today it is consuming. As I draw near to the Lord for comfort and direction I feel Him working on my heart and I pray He also works on the hearts of those around me --that they will be sensitive and understanding as I wade through the murky waters of motherhood for the first time, that they will give me space when I need it and respect my little family's privacy, and that they would bless us with continual prayer. It's hard to articulate what I'm going through (I've never experienced it before), but I think that maybe there is another mother out there who is going through or has already went through the same thing, and if so, I'd love to hear from you. But if not, I think for me this war is a spiritual one and by drawing near to Him I can overcome it --my fears can be assuaged and my heart lightened.  

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and weighed down with heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in spirit. Indeed, you will surely find rest in Me! My yoke is easy, and My burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

"I have told you these things so that you would find comfort in Me. In this world, you will suffer; but be courageous, for I have overcome the world!" - John 16:33 

Brave Face

via

There are a couple things I've mastered in this life: the not-too-annoying-but-just-whiny-enough voice that makes Steven get off the couch to get me a glass of water every time, the art of making a bed using hospital corners just how my grandma taught me, how to put my contacts in without losing an eye, and the brave face. I've really mastered the brave face. I use it almost daily to conceal negative emotion, to shield me from bad news, to lessen the pain of brutal blows. But lately, I reach for that mask first thing in the morning and refuse to discard it until late at night when the lights go down and I can allow the awfulness that's been festering in my mind all day to flood me, washing over every inch of my body and soul. I seem to never give my brave face a rest. 

"I'm nervous," Steven confided to me last night...and even then I held on tightly to the brave face. But the truth is I'm nervous, too. I'm nervous that the doctor's appointment I have today may bear bad news, I'm nervous that I lack those maternal instincts they say surface when you hold your baby in your arms for the very first time, I'm nervous I may have to leave my baby to go back to work after 3 months, and I'm nervous about how the world will respond to that even though they don't know the half of our circumstance. I'm very nervous, and feeling anything but brave. 

I'm also exhausted. It's tiring to keep the brave face firmly in place. I want so desperately to set it aside and feel even the most painful of blows. But that takes bravery, and bravery is something I have yet to master. 

I'm working on it. I'm working on discarding my brave face for good and really being brave. To put my trust in the Lord and confine my fears to those who I know love me. To not hide behind this mask anymore because, at it's core, it is dishonest. I don't have it all together despite what I convey here on this blog and in my other day to day interactions. I really don't. Most days I am more terrified about my impending role as a mother than excited. And oftentimes, I am ashamed of that and feel broken.  

But I think I've realized that it's okay to not always have it all together, it's okay to let down your mask and allow others to see your struggles, and it's even okay to ask for a helping hand, a note of encouragement, or a heartfelt prayer. It's okay. What's not okay is allowing the brave face to be your everyday wear. It will eventually begin to crack like all shields eventually do. 

So today, instead of wearing the brave face I've cultivated and mastered these last 25 years, I'm going to lay it down and practice really being brave. And I think that begins with admitting to you that I'm nervous.  

My Struggle

Today I'm linking up with Jenni again for day 20 of the Blog Every Day In May challenge. But before we jump into that, you may have noticed some changes around this little space. Aubrey from The Kinch Life gave my blog a much needed facelift and was so amazing to work with! I'm still trying to work out a few kinks and I need to update my "about" and "the boys" pages, so you may continue to see some changes over the next few weeks. So just bear with me as I try my best to perfect this online space that has grown to mean so much to me!!  

Day 20 challenge: "Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now."

Sometimes, I like to give people the subtle stink eye. ;)

We all have our struggles. I know the picture perfect lives I see around me are anything but picture perfect. It's just that we are all such experts at putting on our camera ready faces --giving the world a quick snapshot into our lives, but only the "neat" photo ready areas. But underneath our masks we all have untidy areas, too. Maybe we're working on cleaning them up or maybe we're not, but they are there reminding us that we certainly do not have it all together. We struggle. Each of us in our own unique ways --we struggle.

The struggle within me is one I use to think was a "head" issue steaming from my over-analytical, obsessive tendencies, but lately, I've started to come to terms with the fact that it's actually a heart issue. 

I struggle on a daily basis with a negative attitude and outlook on life. I've mentioned it here and here before, that I'm a glass half empty kind of girl, so I'm not going to go into much detail. It has simply been my struggle for as long as I can remember, and I'm working on it (I truly am!!). 

I'll go through lulls where I think I'm beating it, that I'm actually getting the upper hand on this and beginning to see the silver lining in even the not-so-happy situations in life, but then I fall back into my old ways and infect everyone around me with my negativity and anxious behavior. I fall into that place and no one nor anything can bring me back out but myself. It's a slow, dark crawl but I eventually come out and get back to the better version of me. 

So I continue to struggle and continue to do my best to improve. Some days are better than others, but I've learned a lot about myself in the process and what things (and people) I need to avoid in this life.  Mostly, I'm thankful for Steven, and that he continues to love me despite my crazy ways. Like myself, that boy loves hard and for that, I'm lucky.

So tell me, what is your struggle?  

The Thing(s) I'm Most Afraid Of

I've made it through one whole week of the #BlogEveryDayInMay challenge! Thankfully, I'm not feeling burned out yet, but rather, quite the opposite. I think the prompts are fun and thought provoking, and I'm enjoying blogging a little bit 'outside of the box' so to speak. 

Today's prompt reads, "the thing(s) you're most afraid of." Obviously, there are the usual ones that anyone who knows me is well aware of (spiders, slugs, and worms), but when I first read the prompt for today, those weren't the things that came into my mind. I am serious about the worms thing though. They scare the crap out of me, which makes gardening quite an arduous task. No, instead the first thing that popped into my mind was the future.

I genuinely have a fear of the future. Which, yes, is rather irrational, but nonetheless, very real. I worry about it all the time. I obsess over it some days. I balk at the idea of change. Any change --big or small --makes me feel vulnerable and as though things are steamrolling out of my control. And I think deep down, that's really what it is --a control issue. 

I can't control what's going to happen to my little family. I can't always keep them safe. I can't protect them from disease and sickness. I cannot control mine and Steven's financial future. I don't know what unexpected challenges are going to come our way and if we'll have enough resources to handle them. I can't control the health and safety of my loved ones back on the east coast, and I fear something unforeseen could happen to them while I'm over here -- 3,000 miles away and unable to do anything that could bring them healing or comfort. 

I love my sweet, little family!

I fear the future and all the unknowns that go along with it. I am a total worrywart. It is my biggest downfall and greatest struggle. I wrestle with it on a daily basis and realize that until I accept that I cannot have control over every facet in my life and in the lives of others I love,  I will continue to struggle with this fear and be plagued by worry. 

I wish I could say I'm improving...that I'm making strides in fearing the future less and simply living in the present, but if I am honest, I'm really not. Most days I continue to let the fear and anxiety associate with the unknown grip me. 

I'm working on it. But I'm not yet there.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." 

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Weddings Are Such A Joy! Not.

Is it bad that I'm getting married in 11 days and I still haven't gotten my dress back from the seamstress?

Yeah, I thought so too.

Totally. Freaking. Out.

Thanks for understanding that due to the above issue, my stomach is in knots and I can't post about anything cheery and upbeat today. So I am signing off now.

{If you don't mind, say a little prayer that I get my dress soon. Like yesterday.}

On Planning A Wedding...Or Not

(Before your eyes travel any further down this page, know that this is a rant. You've been warned Read on at your own discretion.)

I know I haven't blogged about how my wedding plans are coming along in a while, and that's because, well...they aren't really coming along. I was excited about being engaged for about two weeks or so, and then family drama erupted and the post-engagement joys were squeezed right out of me. Every. Last. Drop. Honestly, when I sit down and try to accomplish anything concerning the wedding, I instantly feel overwhelmed. 

I'll tell you what I enjoy in life. 

I enjoy that first morning cup of coffee, the way the ducks glide seamlessly upon the lake, and my puppy's breathe warming my cheeks. I enjoy the flutter in my stomach when I know I'm about to see Steven and hearing him laugh. I love his deep, hearty laugh. I enjoy the sun on my face and sand beneath my feet. I enjoy good, intellectual conversation and the friends I encounter within the worn pages of reread books. I enjoy many simple things that I take for granted far too often. 

I'll tell you one thing that I do NOT enjoy. 

Pleasing people simply for the sake of pleasing people. No compromise. No argument that allows pent up emotions to escape. No rational explanation as to why things are how they are. Just pleasing people because they believe that it is your duty in life to make them happy.   

And truthfully, that's what I feel like my wedding planning process has become. I do not enjoy it; therefore, I avoid it. I know, not a very good coping mechanism. 

I'm just tried of people saying things like "It's your day! Just have fun with it. It's all about you!" Well, truthfully, it's not.

Maybe this is just emotionally draining on me because my family and friends aren't here to come to my rescue. I miss my girlfriends. A lot. I wish they could have been with me when I tried on wedding dresses and picked out my venue. Steven's been great, but let's face it --dudes are clueless when it comes to wedding planning. He just doesn't understand my anxiety surrounding the whole affair. 

So, today I'm simply going to enjoy this morning cup of joe and the feel of the keys underneath my fingertips. I'm going to work on perfecting sentences and formatting proposals. I'm going to forget my planning worries and think of the Oxford comma, the sun on my face, and the warmth of my puppy's breathe upon my cheek.

Tomorrow --I'll plan my wedding.

Puppy Love

Tomorrow morning Steven and I are flying to Philadelphia for a wedding. This means blogging will be no more until Monday {gasp!}. But I think you all will survive. More importantly, this means I have to leave Huckleberry for 4 days! I don't even know how to describe the anxiety I feel when I have to leave Huck. It's pretty extreme and highly embarrassing. I experience it every Monday-Friday during the work week. I hate, HATE, HATE leaving him for those 8 hours. 

It's tough being a fur mama! and Steven thinks I'm clinically insane. Which is probably a pretty accurate assumption...

Luckily, Steven's parents are kind enough to take Huck in while we're away. It's a relief we don't have to board him. {Honestly, if we had to board him I wouldn't go to the wedding. Yes. I'm that crazy.} But I still  worry. A lot. 

It's insane how much I love this puppy. He really is like a child. Since he was 8 weeks old he's been with me everyday. He depends on me to feed him, provide him with fresh water, and wipe his paws when he comes into the house. {What? It rains a lot in Seattle..he gets muddy paws..}

Sometimes I wonder if I've develop an unhealthy attachment to my pup. Maybe because I spend more time with him then I do even with my fiancé! Or because when I moved to WA I really didn't have a lot of friends and I transferred some emotional residue onto my pup. But I don't mind being that crazy animal lady. {As long as my interest doesn't extend to rodents down the road!} I love my pup.

The very first photo we ever took of Huck the day we brought him home.
Such a tiny baybay!

Okay, enough of me crying over my spoiled rotten pup. I'm sure Philly will be a blast. Neither Steven nor I have ever been! So be ready for a detailed account of our trip, accompanied by photos of course, when I return on Monday.

Happy, happy Wednesday, friends!