Happy Mother's Day out there to all you mommas!
Especially my lovely mom. I love you and wish we could spend the day together!
And thank you Jack for making me a momma. You are my pride and joy and I feel so honored to be chosen to raise you. I love you, little man.
Today is a pretty bittersweet day for me. It's an amazing feeling to be celebrating mother's day for the first time with my little family, but today also marks my last day of maternity leave. Tomorrow I have to start working again and my heart aches at the thought of it. I'm one of the lucky ones. I have an amazing and understanding boss who is allowing me to work from home, part-time for the next 5 weeks until my mother gets here to babysit Jack for a month. After that month, Jack will be going to a good friend of mine's for daycare.
Even though I'll still be with him everyday, all day for the time being, (I'll only be working 8-12 from home while the lady who has been taking over for me during my leave is staying on to take the afternoon shift), I still can't help but feel as though my world is spinning out of control. I hate the thought of having to split my energy and time between him and work. And worse yet, I feel like everyday is a countdown to June 16th-- when I'll be heading back to work full-time. Steven and I have cut our budget, downsized, and re-prioritized and reconsolidated debts but there is just no way around it. We can't keep this roof over our head on one income.
I've went through many emotionally phases these last 3 months. I've cried myself to hysterics, I've been angry and jealous at each and every stay at home mom, and I've felt immense guilt over the thought of leaving little Jack only to spend my days behind a desk. I know I'm going to struggling finding joy and fulfillment in my job outside the home, which is sad. I once really, really loved my job.
I really don't understand God's timing with all of this, but I trust that He has a plan giving us Jack a few years earlier than we were financially prepared for. And I know that through this I will have to rely on Him for strength emotionally. Jack will adapt to time away from his momma just fine, it's my heart that's going to go through the ringer.
I'm blessed to have a great boss, a mom willing to fly across the country and be with her grand boy for a month while I adjust to the separation, and an amazing friend who is like-minded and will be the best secondary primary caregiver I could have asked for for Jack. I truly am blessed, yet I still couldn't find the strength to get through this post without tears. I'm kinda an emotional wreck.
Thanks for letting me vent and put a damper on this Mother's Day. And thanks for returning to this neglected space day after day. I'd appreciate prayers as I navigate through this adjustment. I really just want to be the best mommy I can be to my little man.
So happy Mother's Day to all you mommas. Working moms, stay at home moms, empty nesters, and each and everyone in between. I hope your day is filled with love.