11.18.2011

Being Still

I remember when I was 16 and my parents made me wait a few more months to get my license. I thought it was the end of the world. My thought process was "if I was only able to drive, my life would be perfect." A few months later, when I was able to drive, and life still wasn't perfect, I quickly began looking forward to my next life-changing moment.

I wake up around 5 every morning. Not because I want to, but because (a) I have to get ready for work or (b) my puppy thinks I have to get ready for work (when will he learn the meaning of WEEKEND!?). 

I am a miserable person at 5am and the first thing I MUST do is start the coffee pot. Something deep inside of me hopes that this magical, bitter liquid will cheer me. It rarely does. Instead, I find myself thinking, "I can't wait until I don't have to get up so early every morning." 

Today, I pondered that reoccurring thought. It bothered me. What the heck is my problem?...

I'm going to take you back 3 months and give you a glimpse into my then morning coffee-brewing musings. They went something like this, "I can't wait until I have a REAL job." 

Are you beginning to understand my dilemma??

Why can I not simply be content with What Is and Where I AM? I am always looking forward--waiting, wishing, hoping, praying for the next best thing to come along, NOW!

You say this isn't healthy? Yes, I'm aware. 

My miserable morning musings are not only unhealthy; they are revealing. And quite frankly, the revelation is sickening to me. It reveals my ungrateful, unheeding heart. I am not giving thanks for the many amazing blessings I have received lately. I am not even acknowledging that they are blessings at all.

I want a drivers license, get one, and then I want a later curfew. I want to go away to college, get there, and then I can't wait until I graduate. I want a big girl job, get one, and almost immediately, I wish I was to a point in life where I didn't have to work.

Why am I always so discontent with where I am in life? (That is a rhetorical question.) 

Like some ungrateful beggar, I desperately plea for things and then angrily shout, "It's not enough!" Who am I to think that I deserve anything more than what I am given. I, who knows my wicked heart more than any other living being, should know that I deserve far less than the things I already have. Luckily, my heavenly Father doesn't bless me based on my merit. If He did, I'd have nothing.

This morning was slightly different from my recent mornings though. I thought about my thoughts. I thought about how they probably break my Father's heart. If my earthly father gives me $50 I thank him profusely and many hugs and kisses ensue. Yet, my Father in heaven has given me a great job that allows me to be financially independent while living on the opposite side of the country, and He doesn't even receive a simple "thank you." 

I FEEL ABOUT THIS SMALL.

And as I was feeling small enough to climb into my coffee mug and drown myself in that not-so-magical-more-bitter-than-usual brew, I heard something I haven't in a while. I don't know how to explain it really. Of course, I don't audibly hear when the Lord speaks to me. It's more like a feeling. I felt peace. I felt Him telling me to "Be Still." So, I was. I can't really describe what happened next, or what I am feeling now. But a contentment washed over me. 

And for that, I am thankful. And I am glad for where I am right at this moment.


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