I've officially lost it. I realized last night that my pregnancy hormones have finally gotten the better of me when I found myself sitting on the floor in our baby boy's empty nursery crying inconsolably.
I'm not sure why I was crying. Maybe it was because while painting the nursery some of the paint sloppily ended up on the ceilings edges, or maybe it was because the holidays are approaching and I miss my family, or maybe it was because I know my very best friend in this world probably won't be able to meet my son until he's already a year old, but, more than likely, it was because I'm just tired, overwhelmed, anxious, and hormonal. Damn hormones.
This is definitely the hardest season of my life to date. I don't say that because things are going poorly. On the contrary, things are actually going really well. The baby and I are both healthy, my amazing family recently blessed us with a card shower to help me and Steven get the nursery underway --showering us with enough money to buy the crib, glider, and pack 'n play-- and I have an amazing husband by my side who has been so supportive and encouraging throughout my pregnancy. Yet things are also really, really tough for me right now...at least in my head and in my heart. That's where my struggle is. That's where my war is raging.
I'm dealing with a lot of emotion, and until last night it had remained bottled up. I'm in a habit of doing that as I've explained to you once before. I thought it was something I was overcoming --laying the mask aside-- but obviously, it is still a struggle for me.
I'm struggling with how quickly time is passing and how much is still left to be done, guilt that I have to return back to work after 12 weeks and jealousy towards those who get to stay home with their babies, and a surprisingly strong desire to protect my unborn child. A strong desire that I fear borders on selfishness. I've already decided that I want no one with me at the birthing center other than my husband. I don't even think I want anyone to visit me those first couple days at home... Is that normal? I don't want anyone to touch my baby, I don't want anyone to advise me on how to raise him unless I ask, and I don't want anyone to steal precious moments away from me those first 12 weeks of his life when he is able to have my undivided attention. I feel all this so strongly I find it frightening. Is this normal? Will these feelings change? Am I going to be one of those neurotic mothers everyone rolls their eyes at when her back is turned?
I feel weighted down by these emotions.
But if I'm being transparent, I also know that there is hope. It's a heavy, hard time in my head and heart right now, but I know it's a short storm and I'll find myself on the other side in due time. But for today it is consuming. As I draw near to the Lord for comfort and direction I feel Him working on my heart and I pray He also works on the hearts of those around me --that they will be sensitive and understanding as I wade through the murky waters of motherhood for the first time, that they will give me space when I need it and respect my little family's privacy, and that they would bless us with continual prayer. It's hard to articulate what I'm going through (I've never experienced it before), but I think that maybe there is another mother out there who is going through or has already went through the same thing, and if so, I'd love to hear from you. But if not, I think for me this war is a spiritual one and by drawing near to Him I can overcome it --my fears can be assuaged and my heart lightened.
"Come to Me, all you who are weary and weighed down with heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in spirit. Indeed, you will surely find rest in Me! My yoke is easy, and My burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30
"I have told you these things so that you would find comfort in Me. In this world, you will suffer; but be courageous, for I have overcome the world!" - John 16:33