11.10.2016

Always Be My Baby

Tonight as I put Jack to bed I was overcome with so much emotion. I closed the last page of our bedtime story (Where Do Diggers Sleep at Night?) and looked over at him as his eyes fluttered open and shut, open and shut.... he was trying so hard to hang on, but sleep was creeping up on him quickly. As sleep finally took him, his binky fell out of his mouth and I thought my baby doesn't look so much like a baby these days.

This little boy, clutching his golden retriever stuffed animal and wearing his monkey pajamas, looked so big to me! My heart just ached... he is growing up so quickly and there is nothing I can do about it. Oh, but Lord, how I long to! How I long to shield him from this cruel world and every possible heartbreak within it. How I long to help him maintain his innocence that only a child can possess forever. How I long for him to always put his little hand in mine when we're silently walking side by side together. How I long for him to always call me "Momma."

Yet, at the same time, I long for him to grow up. I want him to experience the richness that this life can offer. I want him to achieve things he never thought he'd be able to and feel pride and joy. I want him to love. I want him to overcome fears and hardships with dignity and grace. I even want him to fail a little bit from time to time so he remains humble and can see that he can rise up from the ashes of defeat. I want him to live a full life, but in order to do that he has to grow up.

And isn't this the constant pull as a mother? We want them to always be our baby's but also we want to see them grow up to become the beautiful people we know they were created to be. They are pieces of our soul living outside of us who we want nothing more than to harness back in but know we need to let them grow --to nurture and instill as much goodness, faith, kindness, gentleness, and love into as we can --but, ultimately, let them go.

I never want to let him go.

So tonight my prayers for this beautiful, little boy were accompanied by tears. I prayed for his future and for the man he will one day become, but I also prayed a prayer of gratitude and thanksgiving that this little being is my son. That I get to wake up every morning to hear the pitter-patter of his still chubby little feet running down the hall... That I get chocolate cookie mouth kisses... That I get squeals of delight and tickle fights... That I get to play trucks and choo-choo till my back is sore from bending over... That I get to see things as new and exciting through his eyes... That I get to read bedtime stories and give goodnight hugs...

Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to be this little boys Momma. Help me to be a good one.

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